HALLMARK CRAPS OUT WITH AD BUY IN SPIN

For a minute there, we were afraid that Hallmark had created a doomed line of cards. The July, 2000, Spin contains a two-page ad for Hallmark's new Fresh Ink cards, which, according to the ad copy, let you "say something real." The ad depicts a soggy card on the bottom of a freshly-drained bathtub, along with a well-used bar of deodorant soap and a few of those asterisk-shaped anti-slip stickies. The card depicts a yellow rubber ducky and reads, Hope life is soon ducky... 'cause right now it's sucky.

Wondering if there were any market research on the subset of consumers who use both the word "sucky" and the word "ducky," we called Hallmark and spoke to very nice spokesperson named Lana. She told us that Fresh Ink is Hallmark's newest line of "alternative cards," aimed at 18-to-39-year-old women (though "men may like them, too"). Lana said there were 480 different cards in the line (!) and that they all use "the same language women use with their best friends every day."

Mystery solved. The only thing Hallmark did wrong was spend a lot of money advertising in Spin, which probably has very few readers who use the word "ducky" and also use cards to express empathy with depressed or luckless friends. Hallmark is gonna make a mint on Fresh Ink, as long as its advertising can reach the millions of lunch-hour-shopping secretaries who think that buying a card reading I opened the box, and inside was this tiny, delicate porcelain figurine that looked like me as a child... [Inside] I hate getting crap like that. Have a crap-free birthday will make them real.