EMERGENGY MESSAGE TO SELA WARD: PLEASE STOP DANCING FOR SPRINT!

Sela, what were you thinking? Were you desperate for money? Did they offer you infinite minutes?

That Sprint commercial that has you dancing around, all loose and cha-cha, is totally wrong. It's wrong for Sprint, if they're trying to reach young consumers, because a mature woman feeling all free and kicky has nothing to do with our phone service (let alone with Sprint's advanced "code division multiple access" technology, or the company's century of progress since it was founded, as the Brown Telephone Company, in 1899, in Abilene, Kansas). And that commercial is wrong for you, too, Sela.

Think. Could any dancing on your part have summoned the majesty of globe-spanning, 21st-century telecommunications? Was this gig supposed to be a strategic stepping stone to your big role in Julie Taymor's next Shakespearean tragedy? Baby, you should have passed on this during the first phone call. We recommend that you fire your agent immediately, then call Sprint CEO Andrew Sukawaty and chief marketing officer Charles Levine and beg them to yank the spot. (You were on "Sisters"; you can get through to anybody!) Then find a new agent and ask her to get you another gig like that Jessica Savitch thing. You were completely watchable in that!